We’re just friends. There’s nothing wrong with that. Don’t make it into something it’s not.
Do you know someone who has been caught in the “just friends” trap? It is so easy to develop a great friendship with someone who thinks like you, is interested in the same things as you, seems to be strong in the very area your spouse is weak, makes you laugh and listens to how you feel? It happens very slowly and brings a sense of excitement. As Elder Gene R. Cook states in his talk, The Eternal Nature of the law of Chastity, “In the early stages of extramarital flirting, the intoxicating feeling of someone’s affection and the sense of our innocence may blind us to the seriousness of our situation.” At this point Satan has you right where he wants you; in his web of deceit.
Three situations come to mind of friends who have been caught in this web of deceit. Two were able to pull back and save their marriages because their spouses were understanding and both applied gospel principles to help save the marriage. One did not recover. The connection with the “friend” was greater than the connection with his spouse and he refused to acknowledge that anything was amiss in what he was doing or give up the friend. Things progressed inappropriately. He was devastated when she said she would divorce him if he would not recommit to her and their marital covenants. Both “just friends” left their families. It was a very sad scenario. It all started as friends, innocently sharing study time at school, but it ended in covenants and hearts being broken.
The covenants we make regarding personal purity include not only sexual intimacy, but emotional and mental intimacy as well. Fidelity includes refraining from physical contact—but that is not all. “Fidelity also means complete commitment, trust, and respect between husband and wife. Inappropriate interactions with another person can erode fidelity.” (Goddard)
Goddard’s “Progression of Unfaithfulness,” shows how we can enter dangerous territory very quickly, blinded to where it has taken us.
- Behaviors that seem innocent (i.e., missionary work, doing good, helping in some capacity)
- An affection grows that claims part of one’s heart
- Extramarital flirting. Justification – “no harm intended”
- Relationship declared as “special”
- Opportunities created to see “special friend”
- (One worries what others will say/think)
- Excuses made, lies told to hide time and resources spent on another person
- Spouse is displaced. Emotional intimacy exchanged with “special friend”
- Faultfinding with spouse
- Fantasies about the other person
- Physical affection – a squeeze, a kiss, a hug
- Sexual relations
President Ezra Taft Benson said, “What does it mean to love someone with all your heart? It means to love with all your emotional feelings and with all your devotion.” When an inappropriate relationship begins to take hold of our hearts, we would be wise to make every effort to recommit complete love and devotion to our spouse. Valuing our spouse and the very qualities that drew us to them will help to turn our hearts towards our marriage relationship. Remember, “The grass is greener on the side of the fence you water.” (Goddard)
Perhaps we should ask ourselves some questions:
- Have you set a standard for yourself to avoid spending time alone with a person of the opposite sex?
- Do you often find yourself thinking of and missing your friend?
- Have you made sure you are not flirting with anyone but your spouse?
- Do you share worries, goals, dreams, feelings and thoughts with a friend of the opposite sex that you should be sharing with your spouse?
- Do you notice times when you feel drawn to someone other than your spouse? Do you act on it?
- Do you nurture and feed your own relationship so that it continues to grow?
- Do you incorporate the power of repentance and the gift of the Atonement in order to move away from your friend and back into your marriage relationship?
Spencer W. Kimball reminds us, “Thou shalt love thy wife with all thy heart, and shalt cleave unto her and none else” (D&C 42:22). And, to the woman it is paraphrased: “Thou shalt love thy husband with all thy heart and shalt cleave unto him and none else.
“And, when the Lord says all thy heart, it allows for no sharing nor dividing nor depriving. The words none else eliminate everyone and everything” – even “just friends.”
Sources:
Goddard, H.W. (2009). Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage, Cedar Hills, UT: Joymap Publishing
Matheson, K. W. (2009) Fidelity in Marriage. It’s More Than You Think
BEYOND "I DO " 