Dr. Gottman explains the principle of “shared meaning” as the spiritual part of a marriage where a couple creates an inner life together; their culture of beliefs, goals, roles, values, and tradition (p260-261). I would like to connect this quote to that of a very special young woman and her family by sharing her story with you.
In 2013 my 18-year-old neighbor was diagnosed with a rare form of leukemia. She beat the cancer and had three successful bone marrow transplants – defying the odds. However, as she was trying to recover from the successful third bone marrow transplant her weakened body could not regain strength and she finally passed away Monday, June 3, at 7:17 pm.
The parents were divorced before the first onset of the leukemia so Suzanne was a single mom of four. They have, however remained friends and are very supportive of their children. There are three other children in the family ages 19, 16, 14. During the time that Ashtyn has had leukemia her mother, Suzanne, literally lived at the hospital with her, which often meant months without sleeping at home or being with her other children. She even spent months in Seattle receiving an experimental drug.
Suzanne was amazing as she posted daily, in great detail, about Ashtyn’s journey and shared both her own, her other children’s, and Ashtyn’s amazing faith, strength, courage and testimonies with the world. Everyone soon knew them by Ashtyn’s Army. These posts on Facebook went viral. There was an incredible community of support and words of love and encouragement during the entire six years of Ashtyn’s struggles. Both Ashtyn’s and Suzanne’s courage and positive attitude was an inspiration to all. Not only a family now, but a worldwide community was connected emotionally to Ashtyn and her fight against Leukemia.
When Ashtyn was not in the hospital and was able, they took trips to Disneyland or other long time family traditions. They spent hours together at home and at the hospital whenever possible, participating in and creating new rituals and traditions that connected them as individuals and as a family. Their strong faith and family values carried them through this difficult roller coaster ride. No one expected this miracle child to NOT make it. She had defied the odds so many times.
For Ashtyn and her siblings, the critical support systems that had been developed through family, friends, neighbors, ward members, mentors and counselors, and those around the world reading Ashtyn’s Army posts and praying for her, allowed her to feel an emotional connection and support beyond anything most of us will ever experience.
Ashtyn had been given several blessings over the years in which her mom felt she would live. The most emotional post was over Memorial Day weekend when her mom talked about if Ashtyn died, would she be able to trust God again? The very moment she is contemplating those thoughts, the President of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, Russell M. Nelson, walks in and says, “I’ve been aware.” He wept with them and then gave them both a blessing. That was just another testimony that God really is aware of our struggles, loves us, and wants to help us through our difficult times. He is always blessing his children with tender mercies.
Although Suzanne was always mindful of her other children and stayed connected in any way she could, the chances of them experiencing negative outcomes, individually and collectively, from this adversity were great. However, the saving factor was the “protective factors include[ing] dispositional, familial, and extra familial characteristics. In aggregate, they are the positive forces that contribute to adaptive outcomes in the presence of risk (Garmezy, 1993). In the case of Ashtyn’ siblings this included the support systems that had been developed through friends, neighbors, her ward family, elementary, junior high, and high school mentors and counselors, and those around the world reading Ashtyn’s Army posts and praying for her.
On Memorial Day President Nelson paid a surprise visit to Ashtyn. The Lord is always mindful of his children.
Besides their strong faith and testimonies, Lyle J Burrup, LDS Family Services, in an article on Raising Resilient Children, gave other reasons that this family will not only survive, but will actually blossom. He said resilient children:
- See life as a challenge and believe they can cope with those challenges and changes
- View mistakes and weaknesses as opportunities to learn and accept that losing may precede winning.
- Believe they can influence outcomes through effort imagination, knowledge and skill. They focus on what they can do rather than on what is outside their control
- They see great purpose and meaning in life and people.
During this entire experience, I have watched these children, including Ashtyn, talk positively and with incredible faith about what they are experiencing individually and as a family. You feel the emotional connection between family members in the pictures and statements posted on Ashtyn’s Army blog. I do not know each of them personally enough to know their deepest inner thoughts, but I do know they see life as a challenge, believe they can influence outcomes, and see great purpose and meaning in life and people, and believe in each other and their connection within the family.
Of great importance to this family at this time of crisis and stress is the previously established closeness and emotional connection of family and friends that will help them endure this next stage of adversity. Their faith in, and testimonies of, Jesus Christ will help them push through this very difficult time and become even stronger because of it. Learning to understand and accept God’s will has been a bitter sweet lesson for this family.
If you are interested in more of this story you can access it at: https://www.facebook.com/AshtynsArmy
BEYOND "I DO " 