Marriage is the most wonderful part of my life and I can’t imagine how my life would have played out without it. I do know however, that many influences can cause us to respond in ways that are damaging to the marital relationship. If you are seriously wanting to take care of your relationship I highly suggest the two books I have been reading. The first is, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country’s Foremost Relationship Expert, by John M. Gottman, PhD. The second is Drawing Heaven into your Marriage by H. Wallace Goddard, PhD. Since I have been around for a while and have seen and heard many experts talk about creating successful marriages, I wasn’t sure what new information this would bring. But I was pleasantly surprised and found that the principles employed in these books were extremely helpful in learning to avoid negative influences that can take their toll if not identified and corrected. I feel certain that if Goddard’s ideas and suggestions were compared with Gottman’s, although expressed differently, they would parallel each other in wisdom and successful marriage research results.
One of the most important ideas that Gottman promotes is that a solid marriage is based on a strong friendship. He states,“The strength of a couple’s friendship not only stokes the fire but also foretells the relationships future because it is the fundamental ingredient of positive sentiment override. We have been married for forty-nine years and I truly attribute our ability to overcome negative influences in our marriage to our deep friendship. This friendship has helped us establish what Gottman refers to as a Positive Sentiment Override. This means that when we keep our friendship strong, despite the difficult times, the positive thoughts about our marriages are so strong that they supersede the negative feelings that can sometimes dominate a relationship.
The very beginning of our marriage started as a friendship and continues today. Of course, that friendship starts with mutual respect, great conversations, and overall support and admiration for one another, but for us it also includes bantering, playfulness, (wrestling has been known to occur in our home), laughing, teasing, and sharing and participating in the same activities and interests. We still have our individual interests, but that only brings another dimension to the relationship as we share our separate experiences with each other.
The opposite of the Positive Sentiment Override is a Negative Sentiment Override. Gottman warns us that if we allow resentment and anger to build and the initial friendship dims, then everything said and done is interpreted negatively. Statements that would not normally be offensive become hurtful and are taken personally. This causes more negative behavior. I am reminded of the question, “is the glass half-full or half empty?” I have a friend who has said for years, “I hope I’m not still in this marriage next year.” They are still married, 40 plus years now, but she has never looked at her marriage as anything except half-empty. As I look at what they have I see a great marriage with a few hard times. She has always seen it as a bad marriage with a few good times. How we perceive our relationships has everything to do with who we become in those partnerships.
Gottman refers to The Four Horsemen of trouble:
Criticism: Expresses negative feelings or opinions about the other’s character or personality.
Contempt: Arises from a sense of superiority over one’s partner.
Disrespect: Defensiveness: Starts as a way to defend self but is also a way of blaming one’s partner.
Stonewalling: One partner tunes out and stops responding.
You will want to read more about the Four Horsemen since they are a negatively powerful part of all our relationships at one time or another and lead to even more trouble if not addressed. If we fail to recognize the Four Horsemen, our marriages can literally fail because of them. Gottman more fully defines and shares examples of each horseman that can helps us understand the negative path we are choosing when one of the Four Horsemen shows up.
The second book I recommended was Drawing Heaven into your Marriage by H. Wallace Goddard. I loved Goddard’s approach to marriage because it reminds us that no matter what steps or principles we follow, being Christlike and applying gospel principles, is the key to a successful and happy marriage. I know that President Packer’s statement is truth: “If you seek for a cure that ignores faith and religious doctrine, you look for a cure where it never will be found.” Without the gospel as a guiding light in our marriage I don’t think we would be where and who we are today.
Just to tease you into wanting to read this book, here are some of my favorite statements by Goddard, “Good marriage is not about skills, it is about character,” “The surge of indignation that swells up when we are upset does not have to swamp our little boat. . .We can choose to calm the seas by the same power that Jesus used to calm the waters of Gennesaret” and “Marriage is perfectly designed to provoke us to desperation.” Christlike characteristics and gospel principles can help us not only avoid the desperation that marriage can provoke, but can enhance our relationships beyond our own vision of marital happiness.
References:
Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work (2nd ed.). New York: Harmony Books.
Drawing Heaven Into Your Marriage by Goddard, H.W. (2009). Cedar Hills, UT: Joymap Publishing.
BEYOND "I DO " 